Breaking News from the Players and their Agents
Cork Bowl 21

November 2nd - Williamson Returns to Cork Bowl with Heated Words for the Blobfish
November 2nd - Trimble Unleashes Verbal Tirade
November 3rd - Greg Howard Joins the Blobfish Slamfest
November 4th - Willy Truitt Offers First Blobfish Response
November 17th - Random Ramblings from Around the League
November 29th - Chris Cork Sits Down for Annual Interview with Irv Cross

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Williamson Returns to Cork Bowl with Heated Words for the Blobfish

November 2nd - So, I think I have herniated all the discs in my spine as I am not able to move very well. My left knee hurts and has continued to hurt since a department softball game in May. I also think my vision may be fact I'm sure it is as I continue to see myself as a superstar Corkbowl player. Despite all of these factors, I will still bring my "A" game and intend to dominate. I would like to say that I probably will not play well, so my "A" game and intention to dominate will have to be in the realm of trash talk, so let's get that going now.

I would like to state, for the record, that the Blobfish is a very accurate mascot for the team comprised of Willy Truitt, Patrick Cork, Jake Hoalt, Aaron Zehr, Evan Woodard, and Evan "Zach Morris" Barmes. As described by the most relied upon source by college students in writing inaccurate and uncited papers, Wikipedia states "the flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water; this allows the fish to float above the sea floor without expending energy on swimming" and that the blobfish "has a relative lack of muscle." After reading the description of the blobfish and looking at the roster, I believe that the blobfish is a great mascot for the team...

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Trimble Unleashes Verbal Tirade

November 2nd - Sorry Pat, I've been too busy WINNING (at life). I'm going to let my game speak for me. I've never been a big one to trash talk, especially this year with Greg, Brooks, Kevin, AND Chris on my team. I mean I really have everyone on my team that I would trash talk. I mean, Jake is a really sensitive guy, and wouldn't want to offend him by calling him a short guy who overcompensates with big trucks, or big talk about his own game. And having 2 Evans on the team? That's just going to be confusing... not to mention hilarious to watch. I have no idea who that Aaron Zehr guy is, but despite having a slightly Amish name, he looks like he just got out of prison, so I'm not going to mess with that guy. I've learned a thing or two in the joint, and THAT is one face you don't want to cross. Linson and I made a pact the last time we were cellmates, and not messing with people who have a face like Zehr was just a small part of that pact. The other major part was to "everybody wang chung tonight."

And let's face it Pat, everyone knows you're supposed to respect your elders. Well you've been coming up with reasons why "this year" should be the last for at least half my career, making you seem as elderly as possible. You broke a collar bone a few years back... I'm worried more about you breaking a hip from falling down this year. And if you keep complaining while adding some cleverly placed alliteration, you're going to be the spitting image of your dad in no time. But I'm going to keep those comments to myself; although with today's technology, I wouldn't be surprised if the Scoop has some spies out there with a broad depth of hacking knowledge, so I wouldn't be surprised if these comments ended up on the website somewhere.


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Greg Howard Joins the Blobfish Slamfest

November 3rd - To piggyback on Trimble's post...this Zehr guy doesn't look like much to me. I will say it! I've seen way worse faces at a preschool (in terms of intimidation not ugliness) and am not scared to say it! Zehr, along with most of his teammates, look more like posers than true Cork Bowl players.

The way I see it, the only person on the blob fish that might possibly be able to stop any of us on the red pandas, would be Jake. After a little thought though, I realized that Jake will probably show up hung over or still intoxicated at game time. With this in mind, I see very little chance of a blob fish win.

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Willy Truitt Offers First Blobfish Response

November 4th - The Red Pandas lead the league in running. Howard, Trimble and Williamson are doing a great job in the press. Unfortunately for them, they still have to play the game. While they focus on who can still run a 6k before breakfast, or who "looks" like a good football player, the Blobfish have been busy being real athletes.

Greg, athlètes don't need to be fast or in shape. That is why God invented holding, tripping, and clipping. When you pretty boys come down from your high of tea bagging each other in the pre game, we'll be up two touchdowns. That's when the fear sets in and you realize this is a game. Not a meet.

An old ball coach once told me, "Cross country runners are fast people that can't catch or hit. Those who can, are called athletes and they play baseball and football." That pretty much describes Greg and Josh's game to-a-T. You can run around as fast as you want on that field. It won't mean anything if you can't actually catch the ball.

Chew on that. Tastes nice, doesn't it?

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Random Ramblings from Around the League

November 17th - Some recent quotes from around Cork Bowl:

"I'm going to call the sideline Revis Island. There's no way any pass is completed between the sideline and the garage. I'm all over it." -- Chris Cork

"I'd like to thank Greg Howard for allowing us to use his girlfriend as our mascot." -- Evan Barmes

"I will need a sub that can go in on a 5-1 rotation (5 plays for them and 1 play for me). I request hot chocolate on the sidelines too..." -- Josh Williamson

"Dear Evan Woodard, start producing testosterone instead of estrogen." -- Greg Howard

"My hormone levels are none of your business Greg." -- Evan Woodard

"Willy has been my quarterback one time in the past ten years. We've got some catching up to do." -- Patrick Cork

"What are the teams? Huh? The what? If it's cold I'll be watching from inside a heated vehicle." -- Tony Cork (quote copied from each of the past 12 years.

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Chris Cork Sits Down for Annual Interview with Irv Cross

November 29th - Once again, Cork Bowl legend Chris Cork sat down with commentator Irv Cross to discuss this year's upcoming Cork Bowl:

Irv: We're gearing up for Cork Bowl 21! Assess your team's chances this weekend.
CC: We're going to win.
Irv: You sound pretty confident. Is that because you believe you're the "Dream Team" with so many past MVPs?
CC: The phrase "Dream Team" has gotten a bad rap from all of the posers who've taken on the moniker.
Irv: So what makes you different from the other Dream Teams?
CC: Well, for starters none of us has had a national "look-at-me" spectacle when signing with our team. For finishers we weren't given the name by a flameout headcase backup player who goes by the initials "Vince Young".
Irv: Those aren't initials.
CC: And he's not even the best running QB who can't throw a football anymore. What's your point?
Irv: .......speaking of running QBs, does Tebowmania have an effect on this year's Cork Bowl?
CC: Absolutely. Why do you think Tomlinson isn't playing? He's a Tebow groupie traveling the country rooting for the Broncos. Considering he's the comic relief megastar of Cork Bowl, I'd say that's a pretty sizable impact.
Irv: Any comments about Willy Truitt's description of your team as "pretty boys"?
CC: It's kind of funny that Willy thinks God invented holding, tripping and clipping. Although he was pretty young when Cork Bowl started........
Irv: Are you saying that you invented it?
CC: I didn't say anything.
Irv: Well, do you practice such tactics?
CC: Irv, that's a dumb question. You practice the things that you AREN'T good at. Duh.
Irv: ............
CC: Alright, Irv. I think we're done here. Thanks for your time. And also for not being a giant smarmy jerkstore who buys his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame like Jim Gray.

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