(11-17-00) Sanders Analyzes the Environmental Facts of the Bushdog
I just wanted to draw your attention to a few facts about the bushdog:
Legal Status: Bush dogs are listed in CITES as an Appendix I species. The IUCN Red Data Book lists them as Vulnerable (I have no doubt that they mean vulnerable to the quick out and deep post pass patterns!!)
Description: Bush dogs are very unusual canids and reminiscent of a viverrid
or mustelid, complete with a stocky build, a broad face with small ears,
a short bushy tail and very short legs. Their head and neck are reddish
tawny, becoming darker (nearly black) toward the tail. The feet are webbed. (No doubt why they are vulnerable to the pass) Bush dogs weigh 10 - 15 lb. (5 - 7 kg.).
Habitat: Found primarily in forest and wet savannah areas. (If you look outside your nearest window, you will see little white things falling to the earth. I doubt bushdogs would be able to survive the rugged climate of the Midwest. I doubt tomorrow will be any different)
Range: Bush dogs range from southern Panama south and east of the Andes to central Paraguay and southern Brazil. (Again, you ain't in Kansas anymore, bushdog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(11-17-00) Bushdog Pictures Released
The best bushdog pictures yet!
"Bushdogs seen devouring Greg Howard"
(11-15-00) Tomlinson Fights Back at "The Scoop"
I know everyone especially Kirby has been waiting for me to break the
silence, so here it is.
First off, who is the Panzie? Because last time I checked Greg and I were playing in Cork Bowl and you were sitting out. I've heard that you have a broken foot. But frankly I don't believe it. I think you've gotten to a point where you can't handle the pressure. I thought a seasoned veteran like yourself would be able to suck it up. But I guess not. Or maybe you
can't take the pressure of Chris Cork dominating you for yet another year. I figured that Chris' dedication and years of playing through being out of shape would be an example, but I guess not. In response to the comments about why Greg and I haven't responded to
your letters. Quite frankly, and I think I can speake for Greg, We have lives and don't have time to sit around thinking of pathetic things to mouth off about. So my play hasn't been stellar the last few years, thats true. However, I have put up some solid stats although not impressive, solid.
I don't know about this whole "Rookie of The Year" award given out before the game. He's proven his wit, which is impressing. But who knows what this guy can do, He's admitted that he has no speed or ability. Helton I'm looking forward to dominating you once again this year. Here is my guarantee. I will not drop a pass that is thrown anywhere near me. And with the exceptional throwing abilities of Willy Truit I except to get at least 14 receptions. And if they happen to be in the End Zone, than its a touchdown. To Sum up, A person who is obviously faking an injury has no reason to mouth off to someone unless he is insecure about himself and his little girlyness. I'm looking forward to kicking some gopher butt. On November 18th we'll find out who the real men are. the ones on the field or the one hiding in the booth. It's going to be a long day for the goofers..I mean gophers.
(11-15-00) Local Reporter Comes to Howard's Defense
I am a sports analysis at WKRB channel 3 in South Bend, Indiana. I was
recently contacted by a certain Greg "flex his biceps in every shot"
Howard about this upcoming Cork Bowl. He asked me to look at all the stats
that have been produced over the years, and tell him who is best fit to
win this years game. After long hours of breaking down numbers I've concluded
that the Bushdogs have an obvious advantage. Though the bushdogs are more
experienced I couldn't help but notice that they had one HUGE weak link.....Ryan
"dazed and confused" Tomlinson. i looked at who would be matched
up with him and saw that he will be going against Josh "all-stater"
Helton. Now let me just say that he's not all-state
for nothing. i think it's obvious who will win that matchup...Helton. Even though the bushdogs have more experience, the gophers aren't lacking too much experience either. With Howard, Ryan, and Truitt in the lineup the game could be interesting. Howard has improved every year since he joined the league, Truitt is one of the top offensive players in league history, and Ryan....well let me tell you about Ryan. "Beaner" is going to have a break out year. With his size and lightning fast reflexes there is no way that he isn't going to dominate. I've also seen how there is a rookie that will be joining the league this year. Now i don't know much about him but i have had some scouts look at him and they say he's the
real deal. Scouts have reported that the league hasn't seen a player of his type since Josh Yargus played....opposing teams BEWARE!!! To conclude, i would like to take a little time to talk about this "scoop" character. After reading some of his comments I've concluded
that the reason his name is "scoop" is because he carries a big shovel around to "scoop" up all the poop he says. This man is ridiculous. it's obvious that he's just like all the other commentators in the world....a washed up bum!!!!
Jimmy "sly" Gooden
(11-15-00) "The Scoop" Gets Vicious Towards Howard and Tomlinson
The "Scoop" wants to know where Greg Howard is at??? It's not
like She-man to not talk trash at every given moment. I might say that he
has matured, but I think we all know better. Maybe he just doesn't have
internet access or check the Cork Bowl website. One thing is for sure, it
just isn't Cork Bowl without Greggy Howard talkin' some junk. Greg, YOU
SUCK!!!!! If you have any testicles you would try to defend yourself. If
you do not
respond, I am going to assume that you are non-existant, much like your play on the football field. Oh yeah, Tomlinson the same things goes for you too!! Defend yourself. I know that you can't let your play do the talking which is what you will say, but come on, you've got a much better chance of winning a verbal war. Of course, that's not due to your quick wit as
much as it is due to your total lack of skill on the football field.!!! Colonel Sanders and the Truits not to mention the Cork Boys have voiced their opinion. WHere is Beaner? He usually has something to say. Helton, well, I think he's better off to keep his mouth shut until he has another year under his belt so I won't gripe at him. Williamson, where you at, where
your game at? However, Greg and Tomlinson are the most disappointing. I have come to enjoy Greg and Ryan's complete lack of knowledge about football and their jabbering about things that have nothing to do with football (largely Greg's biceps, which as far as I know have never scored a touchdown or caught a pass). So, time is running out and I think that you should start to comment now or forever hold you peace!!!! Panzies!
(11-13-00) Colonel Sanders Breaks His Silence
Breaking the silence was inevitable. I have heard and read about this annual epic battle far too long to not want to be a part of it. I am honored and accept the gracious offer to link arms with some of the finest men south of I-70. I hope that I can step up to the challenge.I am beginning to realize, however, that half the battle of Corkbowl is the dialogue in the days, weeks, and months leading up to the first snap. Again, I hope that I can step up to the challenge. But words are not my greatest weapon. Here are some of my stats:
I can run a 4.3 (although it was clocked over 30 yards)
I can throw a football approx. 75 yards (but the ball has to whistle and have a rocket-shaped tail)
I can make Barry Sanders-like moves with the ball, breaking tackles of the likes of Bruce Smith and Reggie White (although it was on Super-Tecmo Bowl)
But nevertheless, having heard some of the logistics of the game (25 minute quarters on a 37x34 yard field), I presume Corkbowl is much like life, a marathon and not a sprint. I will liken this game to a similar epic battle played out in Caddyshack. Bill Murray (Bushdog) brought all his weapons (Cork (x2), W. Truitt, J. Williamson, and R. Tomlinson) against the wiley Gopher, but he couldn't quite get rid of him. The Gophers will truly dance the night away on Saturday. And much like the young golfer (not gopher) at the end of the movie, if you persevere long enough amidst chaos, the ball will drop and you'll win the day. But, Bushdogs, according to the Dali Lama, on your deathbed (about 2:30 pm Saturday afternoon), you will reach true enlightenment. At least you've got that going for you!!
(11-12-00) Kirby Newell Defends Chris Cork Comments
Newell like numbers often result in impressive individual stats but a
team loss? Michael Jordan couldn't win a championship without Scottie Pippen
and Ho Grant. The super stud of all super studs, the Great John Elway, couldn't
win the big game without Terrell Davis. I, Kirby Newell cannot win a Cork
Bowl without another big play teammate. Now Reggie has had big games, but
he has had to play quarterback. It is not hard to contain a team with only
one major receiving threat. Put Reggie and I both at receiver with a QB
who can consistently throw an accurate ball and losses would not even be
mentioned with my name. Yes, from the league's point of view I realize that
it would not really be fair to put players of the caliber of myself and
you on the same team, but would we ever be beaten? No!! First of all, we
are the only people who can cover each other. Second, we just dominate.
So, I plead with the league to give me a fair shake. Willy at QB, Patrick,
and yourself on the same team. Not to mention Josh Williamson. Not really
a fair shake for the Gophers if you ask me. But hey, year in and year out Reggie seems to get screwed, so why should this year be any different. Once again "Colnel" Sanders, not to put any pressure on you, but you must have a huge game for your team to even be in the hunt. Go gettem'!! Oh yeah Chris, holding off Cork Bowl 10 sounds like a good idea to me, but in the spirit of Cork Bowl I know that it can't be done. So, I embrace my role as an announcer and plan to entertain as well as inform our always growing audience!
(11-11-00) Kirby Newell Attacks Doubts About Injury
To Josh WIlliamson and Super Dork Agent:
Dear Mrs. Williamson, I would like to comment on your recent mail of
my injury. Believe you me, if all I had was a little break of the lower
leg like that x-ray I would still be playing. Unfortunately, I am recovering
from a broken foot. The foot, one of the numerous weapons in my arsenal
are so important when you are running over people. A 4x4 truck can't get
anywhere without tires, mountain goats can't climb without their hooves. Kirby can't dominate without his feet. So, don't ever question my toughness because I would have played for sure if not for doctorly advice from the esteemed Dr. Lathrop who cautioned me that if I try to run and jump too soon I could suffer from severe arthritis in my foot for the rest of my life. I compare my situation to that of the great Steve Young or Gale Sayers. Why? Why would I risk permenant damage when I've already proven myself to be a winner. I've won several Cork Bowls and have proved my dominance over the years. Time tested, mother approved!! So, much like Stevie and Gale, I have no reason to risk a debilitating injury to pad my stats. I'm not about that, never have been. I would like to see someone step into the shoes of refusing to be tackled. I'm intrigued by the "sleek new Beaner Ryan". Can he do it or will it be "Colnel" Sanders. My biggest fear for the "Colnel" is that is going to eat some of that greasy KFC before the game and won't be
able to hold onto the ball. We've seen self-proclaimed studs struggle in the past (just witness "The Diesel" Chris Thurman's stats). I have a good feeling about the "Colonel" though, finding out that he played high school football is a good sign for the Gophers. Anywho, my point is that I
would be playing if I just had a broken leg. WIth that, I bid you all a farewell and sweet dreams about the big game.
(11-11-00) "The Scoop Speaks Out About Ryan Tomlinson
"Scoop" Newell has just reported from the Edwardsville Studio that Ryan Tomlinson has said that he is going to have "a big game" to quiet down his critics!!!!" "Scoop" had this to say about Tomlinson's statement.
C'mon, what exactly is a big game? I guess from Tomlinson's standpoint
3 tackles and 5 catches would be a huge game. Well Tomlinson, I "Scoop"
challange you to get into double digits in catches this year and to also
make at least 7 tackles. For the last two years you have complained that
you never get any balls thrown to you because the quarterback would always
throw to Kirby Newell. Well Tomlinson, he can't play this year so there
are no excuses!! Newell earned the right to have the ball thrown to him
time and time again. You, as your stats will attest to have not. This is
your make or break year at Cork Coliseum. This is your 4th year of playing,
no reason you shouldn't become a dominant force. You're stronger than most
who play and also faster. You've finally been exposed to a college atmosphere
so the pressure shouldn't get to you like it has in the past. You need to
get that killer attitude that says "Hey, ain't nobody gonna tackle
I'm a freakin' freight train"!!!! I don't know if you have it in you, but after reports of how you came through so well for the Jackson Five, I believe that you can pull off a big game. But Tomlinson, I'll leave you with this. Don't tell me you're gonna have a big game, show me on the field!!!
(11-10-00) Chris Cork Speaks Out at "The Scoop"
- -"The Scoop"? As one commentator from Flat Rock (who won't be playing in the game but shall remain nameless) would say "what the heck kinda name is that anyways"? granted the Coliseum is in the country and there are farms around, so I suppose it could pertain to a certain activity involving ground level waste disposal but I hardly see that as a desirable nickname, but I digress. I'm quite surprised, ok, so I'm not surprised, but it never ceases to amaze that a certain Scoop would so boldly assert that Sanders must have "Newell-like numbers". What are "Newell-like numbers"? Recent history shows them to be impressive individual statistics coupled with a team loss. Who would want "Newell-like numbers" (granted, they are better than Tomlinson-like numbers, which tend to start with decimal points)? I heard from a source close to the league office that Newell has no injury, but rather because of his divisive clubhouse attitude (read "Keyshawn Johnson")was "encouraged" not to play by the gophers ownership. They feel his leadership style is "too confrontational". Hey, I don't know where they'd get that idea. And don't shoot the messenger, that's just the story circulating thru the league. And, when you think about it, the guy has played with gangrene, a hernia, an ingrown toenail, sprained knee ligaments, a broken leg, malaria and a bunch of other stuff that defies description so how come all of a sudden a little pain in his foot is going to keep him out of a milestone game in Cork Bowl history? Just doesn't add up. But, he is a legend and I have to say when I heard he wasn't playing I was crushed. Not crushed, devastated. It wasn't going to be Cork Bowl if he wasn't there. But he is going to be there so I will withdraw my petition to call this year's game Cork Bowl 9.5, it just couldn't have been Cork Bowl 10 without the Rocket!!
(11-8-00) More Words From Willy Truitt's Agent
**press release as of Wed. November 8th -From the office of Scott Boras**
With the response of Reginald Truitt - it leaves me in dismay and confusion! All from one line in the R.Truitt response - stating: "kevin tells me that i will increase my league leading stats". What is that? For one - he obviously is the second rated passer in corkbowl history - and arguably the third rated QB as far as impact goes. Simply all that is required is check the corkbowl webpage - career stats - and its all right there.
Willy Truitt: 138-238 58% completion rating 57 TD's 10 int. and 10 rushing
Reginald Truitt: 119-220 56% completion rating 41 TD's and 12 int's. with 4 rushing TD's.
It's all right there - R. Truitt can claim all he wants, but he can't
change the cold hard facts. HE IS #2. Although I could not reach my client
as he was at his southern illinois mansion watching the election results
closely - I will be in contact with him to inform him of the recent comments
of his elder brother. It bothers me to see why he would want to add more
fuel to the fire - but as he
creates all this controversy - W. Truitt will put it disbelievers to bed on Saturday afternooon.
(11-7-00) Super Agent Scott Boras Speaks Out About Cork Bowl 10
(AP Press Release) Tuesday Novemeber 7th, 2000 (from conversation with Scott Boras regarding his recent representation of Willy Truitt)
What's the deal with 'the scoop'? Should I brace myself for anymore 'Dennis Miller' articles or will that be the extent of his intellect? It's my understanding that the only reason he isn't participating in this year's corkbowl is because of a neglected foot injury. I think Mr. Newell should revaulate himself, personally i know myself that Corkbowl is the event of the year and who wouldn't properly prepare themselves? (Especially a Flat Rock Rocket). There is much more at stake than ever as corkbowl is entering its 10th season. It is now that the veterans must step up and take some responsibilty - for how many rookies can corkbowl survive year after year? It could obviously lower the level of play! To my understanding rookies just don't win games - so basically unless chris' roomate can pull of a 'josh yargus' type performance i just don't see much of a challenge. We have already lost a legendary QB in Coach C.
So I challenge all corkbowl participants to set up a physical with their
trainers to make sure they
are in tip top shape. I myself, had my elbow scoped last week and the test results came back negative with great strength and flexibitly which everyone with a pulse knows is only a positive for the Bushogs. We all know what will happen in the opening drives of the game. The first drive they will sit back and let me pass a couple of passes while i'm cold, then they will bring the rush .. fast and furious. But it will be to no avail this year as last. For one, the best rusher in the history of
corkbowl will be blocking for me (i have been sleeping much better as of the notice of josh w. on my squad). So who will they bring? My guess -- it will have to be chris' roomate (unproven) - reggie (only true defensive threat for them) or kevin - i'll just dump the ball to jerry r. or chris
c. and get the touchdown or simply scramble as i so often do. Simple as that - i'm in no way impying that this years game will be a blowout or even a badly played game - i just know that when tony cork and kirby newell are on the sidelines - something has to give.
Scott Boras representing most distinguished corkbowl quarterback ever
(11-6-00) Kirby "Scoop" Newell Talks About Cork Bowl
Honestly, what gives with these teams? I mean "The Gophers" will dominate!!! Not so much!! What is the deal with that team. Unless this Sanders guy is a stud, and we know if he's roommates with Chris that he probably isn't, then they will get drilled. We all know that rookies don't fare well in Cork Bowls. Really, the only weakness that I see the Bushdogs (what the heck kinda name is that anyways) having is the hands of Josh Williamson and the all around poor play of Ryan "RT" Tomlinson. Luckily though, Greg Howard's year in and year out poor play should off-set Tomlinson.
On a different note, how's about that Northwestern/Michigan game. 1st
off, how good is Anthony Thomas, minus his "oops nobody touched me
and a fumbled the ball play". Honestly, that play reminded me of something
that Tomlinson would do. Of course, he would have never broken a
tackle to begin with, but you get the idea. Reggie and Sanders will have their hands full, full of air as they are getting beat deep all day long by the "Gun Slinger Willy" and the Cork Brothers. And if they take the deep ball away, look for Josh Williamson to break tackles. And if they take that
away, "Gun SLinger" is a proven scrambler. If that doesn't work, they could punt. IF punting is unsuccessful, they could go to Tomlinson. Not so much!!!! Woah, I aplologize to Tomlinson, but I really just can't find much good to say about his game. On that note, I will give him props for
his great work in the pregame show. He has proven year in and year out that he is "not the worst actor" in the pregame shows. That would of course have to go to Greg "Let Me Flex My Bicep in Every Shot" Howard.
Reggie "Whippit" (because of his whip like arm) can carry a
team if his players can catch the ball. There in lies the problem, Sanders
must play like a seasoned veteran and put up Newell-like numbers (which
is ding dang near impossible) for the Gophers to have a shot. My line is
the Dogs by 2 and a half touches. However, after seeing "Colnel Sanders"
in the pregame I reserve the
right to change my line. I leave you with this, the sun might shine a different dog's butt everyday, but who is gonna be the "dawg" in this game?? My bet is on "RT" to earn least valuable player,(for a record 5th consecutive year) but for the "Dogs" to come out with the win despite him.
Excite. Com would like to announce that the opinions of "Scoop" do not necessarily reflect on the opinion of our staff and employees. Therefore, we take no responsibility for anything this loon says.
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