Welcome to "The Scoop" - 2005

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"The Scoop" is Back with His Views on Cork Bowl XV

Disclaimer: The Scoop's opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anybody else! However, they most likely do.

Please be aware that "The Scoop" is not directly associated with Cork Bowl in any way. He actually pays Cork Bowl to have his articles posted each week. Please do not think that these ramblings are the same views that Cork Bowl maintains.


November 7 - The "Scoop" is Back for Year Number 5
November 9 - The "Scoop's" Rumor Mill
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November 7th - The "Scoop": The Best in Innvesstigative Sports Reporting

Disclaimer: This article in no way represents Cork Bowl's view of McDonalds or Jack in the Box. In fact, we like their food. You have to take into consideration that "The Scoop" is an idiot.

Hey everyone, I know you're glad I'm back. I know your are glad I'm back too. But most importantly, I know that you know that you know that you're glad I'm back.

Well, life is busy. Forrest Gump says that, "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." Well, I think life is more like a McDonald's value meal. You know what you're going to get, and it is probably going to suck. That is how Cork Bowl is looking this year, sucky!

So, I'm going to call Kevin Ryan value meal #1. Value meal number one is the double cheeseburger meal. Kevin is like that meal. That meal has been around a long time. It needs to be replaced, but for some reason, the McRib has never caught on and took value meal #1's place.

Coach Cork is like Ronald. Just when you think that he is about out of business, he comes back. McDonald's has sold billions and billions of burgers. Coach has retired and came back billions and billions of times.

Jake is like the new McDonald's cookies. Yeah, they are better than the old boxed cookies (aka Garrard), but still not what you want when you are paying 1 buck for 2 cookies.

Greg is like the Big Mac. The Big Mac has kept McDonalds froom going under for years. Greg has kept his team from going under for the last several years. Is the Big Mac healthy? Well, most would say no. Is Greg good, well, most would say no. What has kept the Big Mac around for so long? The Big Mac stays on top by covering the horrible taste of it's burger with all kinds of toppings. Greg has masked his horrible play by using steroids. Hence, he is the Big Mac. Much like a former Big Mac who played in St. Louis.

Chris is like the Chicken Nugget value meal. Basically, you get their chicken nuggets when there is nothing else that sounds good. Coach now only throws to Chris when nobody else looks good.

Patrick, well, he's kind of like Grimace. Nobody knows what Grimace is or what he does. Patrick: nobody knows how he manages to be the "commish", team spokesman, director of personel, wide receiver, defensive back, coach, husband, dad, son, brother, niece, sister, aunt, and Hamburglar's best friend!

Okay, so if the Mongeese are McDonalds, what does that make the Earwigs? After pondering for a long time, I think I have figured out what resteraunt would most compare. The answer:

Jack In the Box!!!

Yeah, their food isn't that good, but they are cheap and give away neat prizes in their kid's meals.

Brooks is like the french fries. You've tried curly fries and they taste good at first, but you always go back to the original.

Reggie, he's like the Chef's salad. A standby, always there when you need him.

Tomlinson, he's like the salt on the table. You want to get rid of salt, but you have to have it. You want to get rid of Tomlinson, but you just can't. He's kind of like herpes.

Willy, he's like the desert menu. The desert menu has lots of options. Willy can QB, DB, WR, or scat back. The desert menu offers cookies, milk shakes, ice cream sundaes, and cherry pies.

Kirby, he's kind of a coke-a-cola. He's always there and you need him even though you swear you won't have any more of him.

Trimble: He's kind of like the limited time only taco's the fast food joints try. Why is he like a taco? For no other reason than he was here, disappeared for awhile, then comes back. Oh yeah, he spent some time in Mexico. Also, he's like a taco because tacos give me the gas. Thinking about depending on Trimble to tackle gives me the gas too.

So, if this article made no sense to you, that's okay. It doesn't really make a lot of sense to me either. Much like a bunch of 20 something/30 somethings/ one 80 something continuing to play tackle football despite knowing that it is an accident waiting to happen. I think I'm going to start covering celebrity poker.

"The Scoop"

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November 9th - The "Scoop": The Best in Innvesstigative Sports Reporting

"Ramblings from ""The Scoop""

Willy Truitt: Shut-up and go through the motions already! Quit complaining and go out and give a half-a#$#ed effort on game day.

Ryan Tomlinson: Gingivitis can be prevented by brushing your teeth. Also, it would help that awful smelling breath you have.

In all honesty, the only way for Cork Bowl teams to be fair would be for Greg Howard to not work out for 6 weeks prior to the game. That is the only way that Greg won't be the dominate force. Hey, let's be honest. Greg isn't any better now than he was 5 years ago, it's just that everybody else has gotten older (aka worse and even more out of shape). The sooner that people realize this the better.

Rumor Mill:

Chris Cork might retire after this year. "I hit it big on a penny stock and I'm not sure I need the wear and tear any more. Keith Schroyer gave me so great advice and we hit it big! Man, that guys knows what he is talking about. Did you know that he is buddies with former NFL punter Ray Guy?"

Kirby Newell is coaching the Watseka Utes 7th grade boys team and has them off to a 3-0 start. "We haven't played anybody yet. However, if we do, I'm not afraid to pull the air out of the ball and go four corners. Not so much because we couldn't compete, but just because I think it would be funny to watch the other coach get frustrated." Newell has been acused of being an idiot.

Coach Cork has officially been invited to join the AARP. However, membership fees may keep him from joining.

Patrick Cork and Chris Cork were recently seen figuring the odds of a beheading happening at Cork Bowl for their respective insurance companies. "Luckily, Coach can't throw the ball hard enough to knock the nose off of Mr. Potato Head." said Patrick.

Kevin Ryan has become the new spokesman for Rogaine this year. He and co-spokesperson Mark Denison will be premering a commercial during the game.

"The Scoop"

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