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"The Scoop" is Back with His Views on Cork Bowl XI

Disclaimer: The Scoop's opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anybody else! However, they most likely do.

December 8th - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting

I recently received this message from Chris Cork. He was so flattered that he didn't know what to say and sent it to me for a reaction. Here's the letter.

Dear Chris,

I'm your biggest fan and a huge follower of Cork Bowl. I live year-round for this one-day event just waiting to see highlights of you dominating yet another game. You are easily the greatest football player I have ever seen. How your one-on-one matchups with Kirby Newell have not been replayed endlessly on ESPN Classic, I will never know. How can they call it "Classic Sports" and exclude the greatest rivalry of the two greatest players in the history of sports? Anyway, I heard a rumor somewhere about this Josh Williamson situation. The buzz is that Williamson and Greg had a, how should I call it, lovers' quarrel and that's what *really* led to the change in teams. Any truth to the story?

Birds, Illinois


Dear Bob,

After a great deal of questioning, interviewing, and making stuff up, this is what the real story is. From what I gather, Josh came home from school early. Greg was wanting to have a romantic evening with Josh and decided to suprise him in an unusual way. Josh walked into his apartment and Greg was lying there wearing Josh's own silk panities and Josh got upset about it. Rather than trying to talk things out like men, the two acted quite harshly to each other.

Apparently Josh pulled Greg's hair. Then Greg slapped Josh. Nobody knows for sure what happened next but Josh Williamson has not been heard from since. Josh is rumored to have said, "We're through, you need to go find you another man. And you can forget about me playing in Cork Bowl. I've only done it in the past because I knew how much it meant to you. Well, not this year buddy, you can go and lose on your own. See how tuff it is without my shoulder to cry on!!!"

Although this report has neither been confirmed or denied by Greg or Josh, this is the story my sources have told me. Take it for what it's worth.

Oh, and Bob, I couldn't agree more with you about the Chris Cork and Kirby Newell rivalry. Classic sports is too busy showing Ali-Frazier, Bird-Magic, and Bears-Packers. Just crazy when the most startling display of athletic ability, competiveness, and winning could be displayed! Thanks for writing.



December 7th - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting

So, I'm talking to my good friend Santa (as in Claus) today. We are chit chatting like we always do when he mentioned he had received some interesting wish lists from Cork Bowl players and announcers. He shared them with me and I thought I'd share them with you.

Coach Cork
1) I wish I could make sense to people.
2) I wish I could remember what number 2 originally was.
3) I wish I could make sense to people.

Josh Helton
1) I wish I could catch the ball.
2) I wish I was an animal on the field.
3) He-Man doll

Ryan Tomlinson
1) I wish for good looks.
2) I wish for testicles.
3) I wish for some skills.

Kevin Ryan
1) I wish I was faster.
2) I wish I could fly.
3) Chutes-and-Ladders.

Willy Truitt
1) I wish I had a cool older brother.
2) I wish I had a go-to receiver this year.
3) Play-Doh

Greg Howard
1) I wish I had 6 more inches of height.
2) I wish I could reach the sink.
3) Rock-n-Roll Barbie

Jeff Henney
1) I wish I knew what was going on with this game!
2) I wish I knew karate.
3) I wish I had a doctor's stethoscope.

Colnel Sanders
1) I wish they'd never made me into a dorky cartoon.
2) I wish I had 2 pieces of all white meat chicken.
3) I wish I could catch the ball.

Patrick Cork
1) I wish I had time to work on the Cork Bowl website.
2) I wish I had "His and Hers" towels.
3) Poke'mon and Digimon dolls.

Chris Cork
1) I wish I could get a tan.
2) I wish I had a more intricate stock portfolio.
3) I wish I could sit down and talk politics with Bob Dole.

Reggie Truitt
1) I wish I had some HEART.
2) I wish I was HETEROSEXUAL.
3) I wish I was as cool as Kirby Newell.

Kirby Newell
1) Peace on Earth and love to all man-kind.
2) Health and good will.
3) Legos

I figured that since you all shared your lists, I would share mine too. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas this year.

1) T-Rex t-shirt.
2) Scooby-Doo Under-Roos.
3) I wish people would tuff'n up and stop whining.



Recently, Reggie Truitt has been complaining about his team. "Scoop" admits that you got the raw end of the deal Reg, but I'm tired of hearing about it. As your Cork Bowl record shows (several losses in a row, worst winning percentage of a multiple Cork Bowl player), you just need to quit whining and step up!

I've been told that you claim to be "the most complete Cork Bowl player of all-time." Well, I'd have to debate that. The numbers prove otherwise. Besides, how could somebody who continually loses claim to be the most complete at anything. The only thing you are most complete in is being completely outclassed as a football player, trash talker, and most importantly of all......a LEADER!!

I know the you have been struggling with some issues in your personal life and that Lincoln Grade School and Washington Grade School trying to fire you because of your "unusual sexual preference" has played on your mind. However, this incident should give you more aggression to take out during the game. I've talked with my good friend and all around great guy, Kirby Newell, and he said that he will support you through these difficult times. Now, if only you'd support your teammates and show a little faith instead of actually betting on the Ermine. You are a shame to the Cork Bowl name until you prove otherwise.

Also, in response to Reggie's comments that Kirby Newell is my boyfriend, those statements are false. Mr. Newell nor myself is gay. And, if we were gay, let's be honest, Mr. Newell is way out of my league. In fact, Mr. Newell told me that he is tired of working with Reggie because Reggie is always staring at him and licking his lips. He also said that there has been an unusual amount of "accidental hiney touching." Kirby, I'd say get out while you still can!!!!


December 2nd - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting

First of all I would like to apologize to Patrick and Holly Cork for missing their wedding. I was unable to attend because I had to cover the Professional Bull Rider's World Cup Challange in Las Vegas last weekend. It was an entertaining time and I also won 25,000 dollars by betting on the Bears to beat the Vikings last Sunday night!

Now, it has been brought to my attention that some Cork Bowl players are upset with some of the things that "Scoop" has said. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings...Greg and Ryan. I'm sorry that your confidence has been shaken. But most of all, I'm sorry that Cork Bowl has two players as mentally weak as you two playing. I'm sorry that the fans have to watch you two bicker like little school girls over a boyfriend who doesn't even like you. I'm sorry that I have to write about players that can't even make a public complaint to me but instead complain to other players who have let it be known to me that I need to ease up. Well guess what!!! I'm not going to let up on you panzies!!! Tuff'n up butter cup. There's no crying in football, unless you're Dick Vermeil!

On a new subject, it has been brought to my attention that Josh Williamson will not be able to play in this year's game. Williamson is apparently having a vasectomy that day. Not because he has any children, but because the government has ordered him to so that he will not have any children in the future. Josh, keep the ice packs on! I figure the Bandicoots are probably happy about that one and that the Ermine are upset about it. Williamson's numerous dropped balls have always been one thing the opposing team could count on. Now, the search for a replacement begins. Who will it be??? Whomever it is will probably be a big improvement for the Bandicoots!

Another rumor flying around is that "Colonel" Sanders is suffering from a sore back. He says that he is going to play. But, it could affect his ability to run with the ball as well as his ability to throw the ball down the field. It will be an interesting factor in the game. ESPECIALLY WITH BIG BAD GREW HOWARD BRINGING HIS "PATENTED" PRESSURE ON THE QB!!! Not so much!


November 12th - "The Scoop": The Best In Investigative Sports Reporting

After serving a 4 year suspension for "behavior unbecoming of a Cork Bowl Player", former Cork Bowl star Chad Veenstra is looking for reinstatement for next year's game. Veenstra was one of the most dominating performers during his Cork Bowl days. He will forever be remembered for his performance in Snow Bowl (Cork Bowl 5). Veenstra's quickness and knack for making big plays helped propel him into stardom as well as one of the most popular Cork Bowl players. Unfortunately, things began to turn downward for Veenstra in 1997. Veenstra did not make it to a game stating, "I can't make it guys, I've got to rake leaves for my Dad." After this, an investigation was held to determine the actual cause of the missed game. Some say it was a drug or alcohol problem, however, after a great deal of investigating I have found the real reason that Veenstra was unable to play in the game on that fateful day. Apparently, NBC was showing re-runs of Saved By The Bell (the original class) on that day. Veenstra has, and always will, have a major crush on Bell's star Tiffany Amber-Thiessen. Better known as Miss Kelly Kapowski.

Now I admit that Miss Kapowski is one foxy lady, but I cannot believe that Veenstra would let down his teammates over something as silly as that. When I asked Veenstra about this incident he stated, "I'm telling you for the millionth time, I was chopping wood for my great aunt." Obviously not the same story he had told us on game day, I determined that Veenstra was and is embarrassed about his crush on Miss Kapowski. Since Cork Bowl players are held to the highest esteem, Cork Bowl commissioner Patrick Cork had no choice but to suspend Veenstra for 5 years of play with the opportunity to re-apply after four seasons. This will be the year that Veenstra re-applys. After talking with Veenstra recently I know that he greatly regrets letting his team down and would never do it again.......even if Miss Kapowski were to visit Robinson.

Other Rumors and Ideas:

Greg Howard and Ryan Tomlinson are such bad trash talkers that I move that the Cork Bowl web-page no longer post anything that they write!!

"Colonel" Sanders has been feeling a little uneasy about gameday since realizing that he dropped 183 balls in last year's game - a Cork Bowl Record!!

Kevin Ryan has applied to change his last name. He realized that his last name and Tomlinson's first name were the same and felt that was bad luck.

Willy Truitt should break several Cork Bowl records this year. Since he already has the records, they will be broken each time he attempts a pass.

The Bandicoots are hoping for a "Kevin Willis" type performance out of Greg Howard. Just ask Greg how good Willis was and is.

I think that Coach Cork should only be allowed to talk once every 5 minutes for a time of no longer than 30 seconds during this year's game. He talked enough for 12 games last year.

Jeff Henney is very creative as evidenced by his report about the goal line powder. I hope that he has some creative plays or else his team is going to get blitzkreiged!

There's nothing like Mrs. C's half-time lunch!!!

And That's The Latest "Scoop"

November 8th - The "Scoop" The Best In Investigative Sports Reporting!

I recently wrote that I was going to have an exclusive interview with recently retired Cork Bowl Player Kirby Newell. He's here with me right now and we will do this thang' at this moment in time!

Sc: Hey, how are you doing Kirby?

KN: How do you do?

Sc: What are your thoughts on this year's Cork Bowl?

KN: I think the Bandicoots could take a beat down if they don't play extremely smart football. Watch out for Jeff Henney though, I'm expecting great things from the Bandicoot rookie.

Sc: Who do you think is hotter, Shania Twain or Faith Hill?

KN: I'd probably have to go with Faith, but Shania is one quality looking female if I do say so myself, but what does this have to do with the football game?

Sc: Kirby, I ask the questions and you answer them, that is how an interview works!!!!!!

Sc: What do you think is the major matchup in the game?

KN: Somebody is going to have to cover Chris Cork and I don't know if the Bandicoots have anybody tall enough to cover him.

Sc: What is your favorite kind of cheese?

KN: I guess I'd have to say either American or Colby??????

Sc: How are your injuries doing?

KN: Well, I'm still kickin' which is about the best I can say. I'm doing better but I still have a heckuva long ways to go.

Sc: What is the key to this year's game going to be?

KN: The key will be the same as it always is, turnovers. I think that a healthy breakfast of cherry and apple turnovers could give a team the energy needed to play a full game of Cork Bowl.

Sc: Last question Kirby, how old is your broadcast partner Tony Cork??

KN: Well, nobody knows for sure. I think we'd have to use carbon dating to find out for sure.

Sc: I'm a liar, one more question. How do you think marriage will effect Patrick Cork's performance in this year's game?

KN: Patrick makes plays. I just hope he's not making too awfully many plays the week before the game because he could be worn out if he does.

Sc: Thanks for your time and I hope that you get to feeling better.

KN: Hey, you're welcome. It's always an honor to be interviewed by someone of your stature.

Sc: Thank you so much, that means a lot coming from a legend like yourself!!

KN: I guess we're just two legends talking, huh.


November 2nd - The "Scoop" The Best In Investigative Sports Reporting!

Yeah, I know that I said I'd have an exclusive interview with Kirby Newell in my next article. However, after some recent comments that have been made by Cork Bowl players I feel that I have to respond!

Willy Truitt: Okay Willy, let's be honest. You don't need to be making excuses before the game starts. You know that I love ya (not in a homosexual way either), but I can't stand for this. If you are injured you don't play. If you are hurt you might play. But if you're making excuses before the game starts due to injury I have to wonder what kind of performance you'll have come game time. Also, after doing some research I have discovered that the reason you aren't healing correctly is because Tim Reis isn't acutally a doctor, he just plays one on TV!!!

Ryan Tomlinson: I won't mouth off about your skills anymore, the stats do that for me. However, I will question your decision to go with the quote about the mirrors and not being able to see you???? What is that all about?
Even more importantly, what does that have to do with football?? Things like that probably explain why you put up poor numbers every year - your head is some place else. Most of the time your teammates wish you were some place else during the game!!!

Chris Cork: Jeff Henney threatens your life and you haven't responded? I question as to why you haven't? Perhaps you are so concentrated on the game that these little remarks by a ROOKIE have no effect on you. I wish that the other players would follow your example and just play the game.

Reggie Truitt: In response to your last comments on the webpage, Crash Bandicoot is not an awesome game as you say. It is merely okay. Donkey Kong is better, no it's not, Mortal Kombat rules!! I don't know if anybody
gets that joke, but if you do it's funny stuff!!


October 29th - The "Scoop" The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting

The "Scoop" has been very busy recently. Having done a great deal of research on newcomer Jeff Henney and recent rumors about Willy Truitt, The "Scoop" may have worn himself out!!! Probably not though, because all I do is sit around the house all day!

Jeff Henney: I was getting quite interested in learning about this young gun, the Chris Weinke of Cork Bowl lore. I had to dig deep, but I was able to find some interesting info about the old young gun. After digging through the Henney family attic I was able to find a video tape. The tape showed an approximately 20 year old Jeff Henney playing football in the yard with 3 neighbor boys. The neighbor boys were approximately age 9. Henney was a dominant force. He used his speed and size to a great advantage. I look for him to wreak havoc in the Ermine secondary. Especially if he gets matched up on Tomlinson. Of course, Kirby Newell in his wheel chair could wreak havoc against Tomlinson.

Also, in a recent phone interview Jeff Henney said, and I quote, "Chris Cork had better hope his mono has completely healed because if it isn't I'm going to rupture his spleen." Congrats Jeff, you just made the first death threat in Cork Bowl history. It is suppossed to be a friendly game, but hey, whatever works for you!! And that's the skinny on Jeff Henney!

Rumors abound about Willy Truitt's age. Many people are saying that he has not yet reached the minimum age limit of 12. However, since we all know the Willy has played in Cork Bowl for years, The "Scoop" has found some answers. After lots of research I found Willy's birth certificate. He was born in September of 89', just reaching the age limit. All these years we thought that Willy was small for his age when in reality he is a giant! He also drives and The "Scoop" is looking into that as we speak. It really makes you wonder what kind of numbers the young Truitt will put up now that puberty is in sight. Next up, investigations into Williamson and
Howard's ages.

Speaking of Howard and Williamson, I have been looking into rumors that the two are actually gay. I personally did not believe it to be true even though the two young men both have ear rings. In both ears????? After talking with the local gay bar owners, it has been confirmed that both young stallions have been spotted. However, they were just playing pool. I broke into Williamson's apartment over the weekend and found some incriminating evidence of he and Greg on the floor. In a phone interview I asked Williamson about the photo. He said, "Ahh, umm, we were just wrestling, yeah, practicing our wrestling because we always used to wrestle out at Kirby's house." I responded with, "Why were you practicing your wrestling naked??" Suddenly, the phone line was dead???!!

I recently asked Kevin "Baby Bean" Ryan, aka "Beaner" about his nickname. Kevin SPROUTED out of his seat and said "That's not my nickname, darn that Patrick Cork!"

In my next article, an exclusive interview with past Cork Bowl star Kirby Newell!! (aka NewElway, Boeing 737)

October 24th - By the Numbers with "Scoop"

11: For Cork Bowl 11

89: For Coach Cork's rumored age.

4.5: The number of hours my electricity was off tonite.

110: The number of people who I wanted to shoot because of it!

2: The jersey number of retired star Kirby Newell.

7: In feet, the combined heights of Willy and Greg.

34: The jersey number of the the greatest running back ever.

75: Predicted number of completions for rookie QB "Colonel" Sanders

28: In degrees, the rumored temperature of Cork Bowl 11.

33: The average temperature of Cork Bowl.

3: Kids under the age of 3 get into Cork Bowl free!

32: The number of days until we lose current bachelor Patrick Cork.

0: The percent chance of Ryan Tomlinson taking home MVP!!!!!

And that's the Latest "Scoop"!!!!

October 22nd - "The Scoop" The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting! The Latest!

Ermine player Ryan Tomlinson has recently been compared to NFL Rookie Standout LaDanian Tomlinson. Apparently, they both have the same last name.

The Future Mrs. Cork said that she expects to see a much improved defensive performance by future husband Patrick. She said, "Patrick has had a lot of practice tackling." I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm sure it isn't good for the Bandicoots.

Bandicoot QB Willy Truitt is hoping that recent bouts with "Tunnel Vision" have cleared now that his favorite receiver has officially retired.

In response to Bandicoot claims that they are going to win big, Ermine receiver Chris Cork was quoted as saying, "What The Butt???"

After talking with my military sources it has become apparent to me that the Ermine may be one player short on game day. "Colonel" Steve Sanders my be in Afghanistan taking out Osama Bin Laden himself. Let's just hope the gun doesn't slip out of his hands.

Bandicoot scat back Josh Williamson has been quoted as saying, "The Ermine better watch out. I've come to play this year. You can expect at least 2 catches from me this year!!!" He said it with a really tuff attitude too!

My resources say that Greg Howard has been practicing hard for this year's Cork Bowl. In fact, after watching "Come Dance With Me" and the "Nutcracker" Greg may have actually come up with a touchdown dance that
has not been used before!

This Just In: Sources say that we should not expect much of a game from Patrick Cork this year. They say that he has been slowed dramatically by an "ole ball and chain."


October 18th - News From Across the CFL (Cork Football League)

1) Ryan Tomlinson recently called "Scoop". He was wanting directions to Corklestick Park. So, apparently he is planning on showing up to this year's Cork Bowl!

2) Chris Cork was recently seen jogging.

3) This just in, Chris Cork was recently seen fainting.

4) After spending the first part of the year with elementary kids, Reggie Truitt has apparently lost his maturity level. When I told him that his brother Willy was planning on playing QB this year he told me to tell Willy, "Nah, Nah, Na, Na Boo Boo". Hey, whatever Reg!

5) And finally, Greg Howard may not be able to make it to this year's Cork Bowl. Rumor has it that he has not left a local amusement park since reaching the legal height to ride a roller coaster???

That's the latest "Scoop"

October 15th - Player Previews
Kirby Newell has had to retire permanately from Cork Bowl due to severe injury. His physical style will be greatly missed. However, look for Newell to become a dominate flag football QB in the future!

Mr. Chris Cork, Patrick Cork, and Kirby Newell helped bring Cork Bowl into prominence in Crawford County. Now considered the biggest game of the year since the Maroons annually get beat in the 1st round. Many people consider these 3 to be the Larry, Magic, and Michael of football by helping save the league financially!

With Newell gone, now is the chance for the "Young Dogs" to step it up and make a name for themselves. Reggie and Willy have proven to be great players. Now look for one of the two brothers to step it up into the level of dominance. Greg, you've been griping for years that you get no props, here's your chance to earn them. Colonel, you've got all the ability in the world. Jeff, I don't know who you are but I can guarantee that you'll be better than at least one player (who shall remain nameless). Kevin, time to bruise your way into prominence. Williamson, use your ability and be mean and you can make it to the next level if your hands don't fail you. Tomilinson, your best bet is to live off your name sake's (Ladanian Tomlinson) success!! Now onto the teams:


Reggie Truitt: A proven Cork Bowl player. Has had big games in the past but is rarely on the winning team. Needs to be more physical and more of a leader. Has shown the ability to put up big numbers on offense and defense. The most complete player on the Bandicoots.

Willy Truitt: A cagey veteran. He is the most prolific QB in Cork Bowl history. Small on defense but has made an occassional big play. Reminds me of Zach Thomas, he rarely makes a tackle without help. Must play big on defense for the Bandicoots to compete and put up big numbers on offense. If he can step it up on D and keep the interceptions down the Bandicoots may find a pot of gold at the end of the day! But doubtful.

Greg Howard: Last year's MVP in my mind. Played big on both offense and defense. An emerging star! He's probably the strongest player on either team. Unfortunately has a small frame and often times has the ball thrown over his head. Needs to grow about 6 inches before the game to really be the dominate player his physique suggests he could be. Was absolutely phenomenal in last year's game, however, Scott Mitchell made the Pro Bowl one year and look where he's at. Must prove he can do it consistently.

Josh Williamson: Has lots of ability but rarely uses it. He could be a very good player with his strength and speed but seems to be mentally out of the games. Makes beautiful t-shirts for the games. Needs to put some of that creativity into his offensive and defensive games to get it done! He is the poster boy for the Bandicoots!

Jeff Henney: Very little known about this "find". Could be a game breaker, but has personally said that he is afraid he will struggle in the physical nature of Cork Bowl. Watch out though, he has basketball ability and we know that basketball players have proven to be dominate in Cork Bowl (example: Kirby Newell). Hopefully will play more like Charles Oakley than Steve Kerr.


Ryan Tomlinson: No statistical information found on this player despite having played in several Cork Bowls. Known to be mentally weak and scared of contact. Don't expect much out of this player. He exemplifies Girlieness!!!

Kevin Ryan: A BRUISER to the fullest extent. Has proven to be tuff to bring down when catching the ball. Unfortunately lacks the speed to get open down the field. Mr. Ryan's defense is often in question due to his lack of speed. Could be the sleeper in this year's game due to the lack of size on the Bandicoots!

"Colonel" Steve Sanders: Maybe the best athlete in the game. Fast and has a "motor". However, has been shown to have greasy hands. I hope it was just the chicken and not a bodily problem. Might be the best player in this year's game if he steps it up. Might lead the game in drops again. Not sure if he can actually catch and just had a bad game or if he actually sucks.

Chris "Serp" Cork: Despite lack of speed consistently gets at least 15 catches and 6-8 touchdowns a game. A model of consistency. Tall with "Serp" like arms as the Hoaglands would say. The master of the one handed catch. Defense is solid due to long arms that make up for lack of speed. Look for a big game from Chris.

Patrick Cork: One of the best and most consistent players in Cork Bowl history. Solid on both offense and defense. The master of the tuff catch. However, rumor has it that Patrick has been softened by LOVE. Will be married by the time the game occurs and we know that married players have struggled in the past (Brooks Wilson). May have to become cheap to compete much like Brooks Wilson was. Energy level may be down at game time due to, well, we'll stop right there!!

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